Narcissistic Bullies on the News

While watching the news, my husband and I started up a discussion about an issue that’s particularly bothersome to me. It’s something I see all too often on the news. The issue isn’t about politics but it can invoke a political firestorm, and I’m not interested in getting one started here.

This discussion was about something else. This discussion involved bullies and narcissists and the wounds left on a person from narcissistic abuse. For many of us, President Trump happens to be a trigger from past narcissistic abuse. [Psychology Today]

Narcissistic abuse can leave wounds that can’t be seen but can be felt just as deeply as if you had been burned, beaten, or bruised. It’s a feeling that unless you’ve been through it, you probably won’t understand it.

One day, after hearing our President speak, I couldn’t help but bubble over about it.

Now, let me repeat…this has nothing to do with politics, and I do not wish to start a political firestorm here!

It was only natural my husband wouldn’t understand the effects all of this bluster has on me, he didn’t see or hear the bullies and wounds from old relationships like this don’t leave visible wounds and I usually appear to have my proverbial shit together.

As we continued to discuss this and our tones got a little elevated (not elevated enough to alert the dogs, but elevated enough to feel a little uncomfortable) it became clear we weren’t talking about the same thing. I was talking about my feelings, he was talking politics. Again, this has nothing to do with politics.

Look, all I want is a little empathy!

I looked up from the red pepper I was chopping for our salad that evening and the look on his face said it all, “I don’t know what to do with that”, he said.

I’ve seen this look before.

Some time ago we were going out to our favorite bistro to meet friends, he went upstairs to change his shirt. He hollered down “what shirt should I put on”?

I hollered up “Why don’t you put on your Sage polo shirt”. 

I looked up to the top of the stairs to see him standing in his underwear with that very same look on his face. “I don’t know what to do with that….what is Sage?” After showing him what Sage was, I laughed and told him to ask every woman what color his shirt was. I guaranteed him each woman would tell him…Sage.

Of course, I was right.

Now if only teaching him how to provide empathy could be just that easy.

Here’s what I’ve learned…

You don’t get over Narcissistic Abuse by yourself.

You need professional help. You need good people around you to support you and take the place of toxic soul-sucking narcissistic abusers. If you don’t replace them, you’ll never get healthy.

I can’t recommend this book enough: Will I Ever Be Good Enough, By Dr. Karyl McBride.

Whether it’s teaching someone how to show empathy or learning self-soothing it isn’t an easy task, but you need both in your life. It’s not selfish to learn how to take care of yourself and do what you need to do nourish your body mind and spirit.

Now, if you’re prone to triggers, turn the news off and turn your music up. 

1.  I was given this visualization exercise years ago that works for me.

The exercise is based very simply on the idea of choosing not to bring a toxic person home with you – even if it is just in your head.

Imagine:       ↴      

Driving home with your toxic guest in the passenger seat of your car. Now, pull over to the side of the road and kick the toxic problem out of the car. Take off, (ok, throw a little gravel if you have to) and watch the object of your despair disappear in the rear view mirror.

Now keep checking your rear view mirror until you can no longer see the toxic culprit.  

2.  If you are scoffing at the above exercise (or the issue itself) you’re the next person about to get dropped off in my little visualization exercise.

3.  Prevention is key to self-soothing. Control what you see, hear, and watch. Facebook, News, Talk Shows can be the enemy. 

4.  That which you focus on gets bigger. Choose what you want to take up more space in your brain.

5.  Men don’t understand feelings, but dogs do.

6.  Unless you’re married to a designer, men don’t know Sage.

7.  If you want unconditional love and empathy at the ready… a dog is the only mammal I don’t have to work to get what I need.

8.  Check out another article I wrote The 10 Step Plan to move on if you have a Narcissist Mother

I hope you’ll take a moment to tell me what you think