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Lessons from a narcissist mother

Lessons from a narcissist mother

Barbara Coleman middlesageYou know that feeling you have in the middle of the night?  The one where you’re laying in bed wide awake, your mind is busy and you can’t find a position that brings you any comfort or a quiet mind.  Your tossing and turning in the quest to get comfortable seems like an endless struggle and you long for it to be over…eventually, you begin hoping for daylight. Then it happens.  You move just a foot or maybe even an arm or perhaps just one hand….you might even simply adjust your pillow….and then with that one very small change your entire body, mind & spirt feels as if you’ve found “the spot”.  Suddenly your entire body is comfortable, your mind gets quiet and you close your eyes and appreciate the new found comfort that finally allows you to drift off to sleep. That’s how I felt when my mother died. My Mother had suffered physically with heart failure for over 20 years.  Emotionally, she suffered from a different type of heart failure that stemmed from an unbelievably horrific set of tragic accidents in 1943.

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photo © 2006 David Goehring , Flick

Living in Northern Michigan with her parents while my Dad was serving in WWII, their first child Donna, at only a year and nine months, was killed in a trucking accident.  On that very same day, my Dad, on a tour of duty in France, was severely wounded.  My mother was 8 months pregnant for my oldest brother and her world had come to a stop.  In a different time, a different place there might have been resources to help her, but in this time and place she was told to “get on with it”….She had a new baby on the way and that baby was going to require her care. So she got on with it.  Her life.  My brother was born and months later my Father was released from a Military Hospital and came home…and she got on with it.  Five years later she had another child, a boy.  She had came to terms with her changed family….two boys…no girl.  She got on with it. She wasn’t prepared for my surprise arrival some 13 years later. And to borrow a line from Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City), “she just wasn’t that into me”. Barbara JoyWe never really talked about it, we never talked about anything.  Growing up, I never understood why she called me Donna…my name is Barbara.  It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s and, when she called me by the wrong name…again, I couldn’t hold back….”I’m NOT Donna!”  As soon as I heard that come out of my mouth I knew why we never had any sort of relationship, I suddenly knew why she wasn’t that into me.  I wasn’t Donna. For most of my life, it was a constant struggle….one gesture after another to get her attention…getting her to acknowledge me.  My mind always racing with how to escape her steely cold stare that made me so uncomfortable.  Perpetually ready with an escape route for when she began her berating tirades.  Eventually, I grew out of the quest for a maternal connection and realized, she just wasn’t like other moms. I thought once old enough to move out and live on my own, I would be free of her dismal view of me and anything I would set out to do.  But it turns out the need for approval from our mother is strong… and it’s our illusion to think approval and love should come from the mother ship…especially when we haven’t yet been able to cross the street.  It’s our experience that teaches us where to find the missing pieces. Her voice, still in my head continues to tell me; people just feel sorry for you, don’t believe the compliments you hear, … you are going to have to suffer if you ever want to be beautiful… you’ll never find a man to love you…and it’s sad you’ll never amount to anything.  The list goes on, but we’ll stop there. These were the lessons my mother taught me. Given enough therapy, along with a hefty amount of research, I uncovered the root cause of her behavior.  My mother had all the characteristics of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Did the tragedy in 1943 make her this way?  Or was she already that way and the tragedy affected her in a different way.  As little girls we look to our mothers to begin forming our own values and definition about who we are and when you’re raised by someone who believes you’re never “good enough”…You don’t know who you are, you just always think you should something else. So, on a bright August morning as I laid in bed not yet ready to get up and greet the day, and the phone rings (you always know it’s trouble when the phone rings before 10:00 am)….I see that it’s my brother, I know what he’s calling me for at the “too early to call anybody hour”….and he told me of my Mother’s passing.  We chatted a short bit about how it was a blessing and she didn’t have to suffer any more.  We didn’t even have a funeral for her – that’s another story for a different time. I sat there in bed waiting for some kind of emotion to hit me.  I had anticipated this day for years.  I imagined what I might feel…nothing or maybe something.  I waited for some unexpected grief or regret to hit me and it never came.  Suddenly, as I laid there in bed absorbing this new position I was in,  I realized I was amazingly comfortable…my mind was, for the first time ever, quiet….and I felt an inner peace I had only, for 54 years, longed for. happy mothers day picThis time of year (Mother’s Day) has always been difficult for daughters like me.  Hallmark Mothers aren’t always present in your life and you have to teach yourself how to set proper boundaries, how to have healthy relationships, and how to feel confident about your self.  But today we don’t just “get on with it”, we get help, seek information, and try to do better than our mothers did. And that, as I look back (without anger) is the real lesson my mother taught me:  Don’t just “get on with it”, get help with it! Related Post:  Narcissist Mother?  Ten Step Guide to Moving On

Update January 18, 2014:

 

For information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, here are some of my favorites:

Is this your mom?  Narcissistic Personality traits of mothers

Additional Resources:

Dr. Karyl McBride’s Book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough  available for download on iTunes


RELATED POST

  1. Not all mothers qualify for the Hallmark Mother of the Year award, do they? I’m glad you wrote about yours, though it must’ve been tough for you. Emotional abuse from our parents is a horrible thing, and I’m glad you’ve found the inner strength to “get comfortable.”

    • Barbara Coleman

      3 May

      Thanks for reading and commenting….going “public” is the hardest part

      • Redeemed

        17 September

        Mothers day is terrible for me. Its like salt in my wounds. I do my best, and will take a page from my brother who just sends a joke card to her from now on.

        I agree that “Going public” is hard. I just came out and was absolutely a mess. Terrified, felt like I was betraying my mom, the only thing I ever did “right” was to keep her secret. She isn’t sure what is going on…because I know it would be foolish to try and converse with her about this, so she was excluded from the “outing”…it will destroy her image of herself and she will again try and devour me, and I dont’ think I will respond to that in a healthy way.

        Now, damage control is going in full force. Buttering me up, kind empty words, and I think she is also working behind my back with a smear campaign (thats just normal stuff though)against me. I am stronger now and will NOT fall for her empty words that serve to exploit my need for her approval and love. Weighing seriously just kindly cutting her out so I can live in total peace.

        • Barbara Coleman

          17 September

          If you haven’t yet read “Will I Ever Be Good Enough”, by Dr. Karyl McBride, I’d recommend it. It really opened my eyes. Coming from that kind of background isn’t something you really understand unless you’ve lived it too. I understand exactly what you mean about Mother’s Day…It was always horrible. I’ve included another post I wrote moving forward…. Keep reading all the good material out there, it will help strengthen your ability to draw your boundaries. Check out this related post… http://www.middlesage.com/top-ten-list-for-how-to-resolve-your-relationship-with-your-mother/

        • Aub

          19 December

          Thank you for your story. And your bravery in sharing it. I am so happy and relieved to find so much fellowship on webpages and forums for those of us who have narcissistic mothers. Especially those of us who are told we are bad or wrong. And I know exactly what it’s like to be told kind empty words, while having your mother do a smear campaign behind your back. (often.. sick enough.. with my own “brother” in team with her)
          I have learned to let go. It has been almost a year since I cut her out of my life. And my brother. I look forward to the years to come of peace 🙂

          • Barbara Coleman

            20 December

            You are the author of your own story….write the ending you desire. Thanks for reading Aub!

  2. Brave and beautiful, Barbara. Thank you for writing honestly about your relationship with your mom. For every Hallmark style mother-daughter relationship, there is another steeped in pain or shame.

    • Barbara Coleman

      3 May

      It’s like “being naked on the Internet”! Thanks for reading!

  3. I’m so sorry. I’ll be sharing this with my friends who have difficult mothers. Thanks for being willing to open up about your pain. I know this time of year is hard for many women.

    • Barbara Coleman

      3 May

      Elizabeth, that was my whole goal…bringing this issue out of the closet! Thank you!

      • Sharon

        24 August

        I have today found out my mother is dying, and i came online late when my husband had gone to bed after a lengthy chat about my feelings, at the moment i feel nothing but relief that its nearly over, i googled my narcisist mother is dying and yours was the 1st page i clicked. Your truthful and brave admintance of peace has given me hope that i will feel the same. Thankyou.xx

        • Barbara Coleman

          25 August

          Sharon, I’m so glad you stopped by to read a bit. Remember, your relationship with your mother does not define who you are…you get to decide that, even now at this point in your life…it’s never to late to decide. Set your baggage down and be free!

  4. Wonderful post.

    I did not have a narcissistic mother – I had a narcissistic father, and IMO, that bastard lived much, much longer than he was entitled to by the laws of karma.

    I also have a missing mother; mine died of breast cancer when I was 10. May I recommend to you a wonderful book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman? While it is primarily about mother loss due to death, it also covers mothers MIA due to mental illness, alcoholism, and abandonment, and how that impacts those of us who had to deal with that.

    It’s a very challenging time, these seasons when everyone else is celebrating their wonderful Hallmark parent, and… I got nothin’. I’m honestly glad for others, who got a good parent, but it’s hard not to feel envious. It has been (and continues to be) quite a journey to learn how to become my own internal mother and father, though many good friends and family members have “been there” for me along the way. It’s still not the same thing as having an intimate mother-daughter brunch.

    {{{hugs}}}

    • Barbara Coleman

      3 May

      Beverly, WOW! You’re comments really hit the emotional nail on the head! It’s a good day when you can shed some light on this AND find another person who has walked a similar journey! Thanks for taking the time to read and share!

      • Honest. Thought provoking. Thank you.

        • Barbara Coleman

          3 May

          Julie, thank you!

  5. Anonymous

    3 May

    Thank you for speaking so articulately on a very painful subject. I had no vocabulary for describing the manipulations, abuses, and control issues I experienced with my NPD mother. It wasn’t until I found her behaviors cross referenced with NPD and joined survivor blogs that who and what she was truly came into focus. I am so grateful there is so much information on the web, in books, and being discussed in general regarding these psychopathic parents. I only wish as you state I had known long ago what I was dealing with so I could have made the choice to go no contact long ago without guilt and with a clear understanding of why this was absolutely necessary. May the future generations not stumble in the darkness so many of us in my generation found ourselves in with no resources, no community, and no words to even describe our realities behind closed doors and largely out of the public eye.

    • Barbara Coleman

      3 May

      Having a diagnosis for it or even a label to put on it helps, doesn’t it. Now, we must make a “bucket list”. And by that I mean, we need to empty the bucket we’ve carried around for so long filled with toxic waste and fill it up with messages of love and support…the bucket weighs a lot less then!

  6. My heart breaks for any child who does not grow up with love and security. I pray you have found these as an adult, Barbara. Your opening paragraph about finding a comfortable space that allows you to sleep is a perfect segue into your reaction to your mother’s passing. I really admire your skill in telling this story,

    • Barbara Coleman

      4 May

      Fortunately, I can look back and laugh at her bizarre and inappropriate parenting style now…lot of angry behind me….been writing this story in my head for years, only it was always called “When the old bat dies”…I figured nobody would read that though. Thanks for reading and your kind comments Helene!

  7. Tammy Bleck

    4 May

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all little girls and boys and two parents that loved them endlessly and without condition? Then it might truly be a perfect world. Thanks for sharing your raw and generous post with us. It was beautiful to read and feel. Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • Barbara Coleman

      4 May

      As long as parents are people, there will be good ones, bad ones, and unequipped ones. We need to remember that sometimes children who are not ours would still benefit from our love and support…and they’ll remember that kindness forever!

  8. Thanks for writing such a brave post. I’m glad you have found peace.

    • Barbara Coleman

      5 May

      Thanks for reading.

      • Kayo

        29 April

        Hello there! This blog post coÂÂlnâd€u™t be written any better! Going through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He always kept talking about this. I am going to send this article to him. Pretty sure he’s going to have a very good read. Thank you for sharing!

    • Anisha

      29 April

      I'm looking forward to our first big snow! Living in southern-ish U.S., we're not quite there yet (but we did get freezing rain that turned into hail this mo.)ung.rfinn. I'm definitely embracing winter this year, I just hope it embraces me back!

  9. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are complex events for many people. I applaud you for being proactive and getting some perspective on your childhood. You are a strong writer and a strong person. Who knows what the root cause was for your mom’s NPD, but she certainly had some hardships to manage. You are doing a great job responding to your life challenges. Hugs! (I have some childhood junk, but I just side stepped it this time. You were brave and tackled it head on!)

    • Barbara Coleman

      6 May

      As they say, awareness is the first step in solving any issue and after years of side stepping myself, I needed to understand why I do what I do. I was an anonymous blogger about this until just now…thanks for reading and commenting!

  10. There is no winning with a narcissist. You missed out on having a mother you could count on for the kind of love mothers should give, but you have come to terms with your feelings and that counts for a lot. I believe everyone has one parent who causes them emotional stress – and getting beyond that is a lifelong effort.

    • Barbara Coleman

      6 May

      When you have a “shortfall” in your life it teaches you different lessons than those that haven’t experienced that same journey….When my angry “pity party” went away, I realized I had some mad coping skills….Thanks for reading Sharon!

  11. I’m sorry you had a mom like that. My aunt was that way with her son, and my mom used to be so upset with her and told me couldn’t believe that a sister of hers could be such a horrible mom. I’m glad you got help. It was a powerful story.

    • Barbara Coleman

      6 May

      Thank you for your comments….when we know better we do better

      • Josie

        15 October

        Thank The Lord for the internet, am in the same boat, narcistic mother died recently, I felt relief! Had no contact for a year.

      • Josie

        15 October

        Thank The Lord for the internet, am in the same boat, narcistic mother died recently, I felt relief! Had no contact for a year.

  12. You could have gone several different ways with your life . . . I’m glad you are writing. The depth of this piece comes from that wisdom carved in our souls from pain.. I’m glad that you’ve found that peace that you always, always deserved.

    • Barbara Coleman

      6 May

      I’m still carrying a lot of baggage, but awareness is the first step…and yes, writing helps a lot! Thanks for reading!

  13. Thank you for your honestly. Peace.

    • Barbara Coleman

      7 May

      Thanks Julie

  14. […] Lessons from a narcissist mother (middlesage.com) […]

  15. Wow, this is such a brave and important piece, and I’m sure it will help many women who did not have Hallmark card relationships with their mothers. I admire you for sharing this, and hope you realize how strong you are.

    • Barbara Coleman

      7 May

      Thanks Lois! It’s about time to face some fears… right?!

  16. Bonnie

    7 May

    It’s so sad that any child has to grow up like this. I’m certain you helped someone by sharing your story today. Hugs.

    • Barbara Coleman

      8 May

      That was my goal….Thanks for reading!

    • Sharon

      24 August

      def helped me!xxxx

  17. Pat

    8 May

    Wow what a powerful piece, so sad and yet so moving. It was so courageous of you to share this in hopes that other people growing up in similar circumstances can take the steps forward to healing. I have a colleague with NPD and can’t imagine how you endured your childhood.

    • Barbara Coleman

      8 May

      Thanks for reading….blogging has been the BEST therapy of all!

  18. kprien

    8 May

    This broke my heart but also tripped some memories. I am so sorry about your mom but I have to admit it made me feel better that I wasn’t the only blogger with a sad Mother’s Day blog. See #31. I don’t know if it was the times but there’s no excuse for trying to make your child feel bad about herself, ( calling me a tramp, in my case), or that she’s not good enough. That’s tough stuff to work through as an adult and as a mother yourself. Sounds like you’ve gotten the help you needed, something our mothers desperately needed but didn’t get, and you’re whole again. I’ve wondered if blogging is my attempt to still get the attention I didn’t get from my mom but now I consider it therapy.

    • Barbara Coleman

      8 May

      Writing about it is indeed very cathartic….especially because I know I want my voice to be helpful to the other women on the same path….So I have to change my perspective. You know what the say….change the way you see things and the things you see will begin to change. Thanks for reading! I’ll take a look at your blog too!

  19. MM

    30 May

    My mother and I have never gotten along, never bonded and I always wondered why. As a child I would try to do things to make her laugh or smile, which never worked. Then when I was 9yrs old I accused her of not loving me. She didn’t deny it, instead she said I was crazy for asking such a question.

    My father was great with me, always gave me attention and made me feel special. Unfortunately he died when I just 10yrs old and one of the first things my mother said to me after he died was, “Your father isn’t here to protect you anymore.”
    The abuse I lived through for the next 10yrs blows my mind away now whenever I think about it.

    I lived through my teenage years being told I was worthless, stupid and unloveable, but yet always feeling like she somehow needed me and I couldn’t just leave her.

    Through the next 20yrs I overcame a and worked through a lot and came to the conclusion that she will never apologise or feel accountable for her actions and I have to move on as though she has passed away. I also didn’t speak to her for about a 4yr time frame. We see each other maybe twice a year now, as she seems to think she should spend time with my son. We have this weird relationship where we pretend things are ok but certain conversations just don’t happen and certain things are not acknowledged.

    My older sister was the golden child. Always pitted against each other and she enabled my mother’s abuse quite happily. Now however, she has recently been “dethroned” and is having a hard time adjusting and blaming herself. She refuses to let my mother blame her for the failure of the relationship and in looking for answers she has come across all this information about NPD and has eagerly shared it with me. It’s nice to finally put a name to it and have some kind of concreteness that I wasn’t crazy or mentally incompetent in anyway.

    I do wonder however if my sister will realise her own actions in the abuse I grew up with and will feel any kind of accountability. It is ironic that I’ve made this discovery through her. For now I’ll wait and see how this changes her and if it means we can have any kind of “normal” relationship, or if that’s even possible after all this time.

    Thank you for this blog and for sharing your own experiences. It’s difficult and brave to break the silence that was imposed upon us as children by our NPD.
    It’s nice to know I’m not the only “crazy” one out there. ;).

    Take care

    • Barbara Coleman

      30 May

      MM – thanks so much for stopping by and reading. I know, for me, finding voices that could know and understand how I felt was a huge step in “moving on”. You may have already read this book, but it’s my “go to” recommendation….it’s the first one that completely painted a picture of my mothers behavior, Dr. Karyl McBride’s “Will I ever be good enough”. As for being the only crazy one…you know what Steve Jobs said about the Crazy Ones…
      Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.

  20. Anonymous

    31 May

    Dear Barbara,
    My mother died in 2012 and it was a blessed relief. I have never felt loved and have been the scapegoat and by turns the golden child, as have my other three sisters. They live overseas and did not come to the funeral. I organised the funeral but I told the vicar the story of my mother’s life and he was astounded as he had heard a fictional one from her. I felt a great freedom from this. Like you I always had great problems with Mothers Day cards. I only bought ones with no words and just put “Happy Mothers Day”. In fact I have banned it at home and have said to my boys I would hate to think of them away and having forgotten to send me the obligatory card or flowers. Because of my experience I am not big on the cult of mothers. It’s the easiest thing in the world to become one. However, luckily for me I have been mothered by many women who I have met later in life and my poor bullied father loved his
    girls as much as he was allowed. Therapy is a great help and I have benefited from it. Much love to you,
    Christine

    • Barbara Coleman

      31 May

      sounds like you’re well on your way to a happier life. I applaud you and your recovery. thanks for taking the time to read

  21. Kara

    4 September

    I cannot accept that my mother is a narcissist even after I took the test with her. I didn’t tell her about the nature of the test. I simply asked her the questions listed. She got the highest score. And still I managed to forget that she is a narcissist. Tonight, she told me that it was too late for me to have a happy life after she heard about my engagement. I cried and begged her to show me some love and affection. But, she mocked me making kissing noises. Then, I went online to find comfort and still I was hoping that she would come to my room to apologize. Then, I came across this quote: “When people show you who they are, believe them”….Maya Angelou and then your brilliant blog. And I noticed that you’re kind enough to respond to every comment. You’re careful of other people’s feeling perhaps because your feelings have being hurt so much. I understand. Thank you.

    • Barbara Coleman

      4 September

      First of all Kara, congratulations on your engagement! I am so happy to learn you have love in your life. We all deserve that don’t we? It took me 50+ years to be able to understand my mothers behavior. I know the pain you feel…all those “milestones” we reach… graduation, engagement, marriage, babies, etc that matter so much to us, we expect our mothers to be part of…and sometimes they make what is supposed to be your finest moment your worse. I had a great therapist tell me once that going to your mother for love and support was a little like going to the hardware store for milk. Everyone needs milk, just like love and support, and when we pass by stores that regularly stock milk and drive to the hardware store that does not (and never has) carried milk. When we walk into the store and ask for milk and are promptly told they don’t sell milk, we’re upset…we go there everyday, why can’t they carry milk! Our mothers are just like that hardware store, we go seeking love and support and we know that they don’t regularly stock love and support. Instead of driving by several stores that carry milk, we fail to recognize all the people in our life that could have offered us the feedback we were looking for.
      Read Dr. Karyl McBride’s book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough”. It will help you discover ways to take care of yourself…
      Thanks for reading and keep in touch!

  22. Jazz

    11 September

    Hi Barbara,
    Thanks for the read. Having a narcissistic mother is ALOT more common that I would have thought. I am only recently coming to terms with identifying my mother as that.
    There are definitely stages to dealing with your past and healing. Mine which I came to independently after a great deal of emotional trauma are:
    1. Realise that a mother with this disorder is UNABLE to be the loving, nuturing, emotionally supportive mother that I desire. This is their issue and not mine. Narcissists are unable to truly feel empathy and their love is always conditional. While I grieve a childhood and adulthood without the wonderful mother-daughter relationships I see around me, nevertheless there’s not point wishing for something that won’t ever happen.
    2. Stop needing her approval and walk your own path while surrounding yourself with friends and family who truly love you and support and encourage with no emotional games. Looking back even in my childhood there were always warm, motherly figures that I gravitated to who supplied what was lacking at home.
    I also resolve to be open, loving, kind and honest while having firm boundaries and little tolerance for narcissistic behaviour.
    3. Choose and make a decision on the level of contact you will allow with your narcissistic mother. Intially due to the verbal and emotional abuse I needed to cut off all contact for a while to heal. It was the BEST thing. Now that some of her actions no longer have the power to hurt me, I CHOOSE to have limited contact. However I can say that the contact is never enjoyable or even pleasant but I choose to not completely cut off one parent from my life.
    4. Recognise the patterns. The behaviour of my mother is predictable. In fact I can probably anticipate what she will do and say in most situations. Dont’ be afraid to make an excuse to leave or to hang up the phone. Sometimes I am still caught off guard and expect loving and nurturing and this is when she really does a number on me. I’ve recently had to kick myself for not being mentally and emotionally prepared and letting my mother talk on for 1 hour about herself while ignoring any news I said. Funnily enough as I usually do I had her on speaker phone while pottering around doing other things like ironing, putting clothes away (she didn’t even notice as was so fond of her own voice-lol!)

    I am still learning about how to deal with this but have come far from being the emotional and hurting mess that I was. Actually I am beginning to feel sorry for her and people with this disorder – they must be sooo miserable in their own heads!

  23. Anonymous

    13 October

    i am 20 and feel so bad about my narcissitic mother i have too many questions and no answers.its horrible why would a parent make a child so sad?i need help.

    • Barbara Coleman

      16 October

      Oh Anonymous, how I wish I could sit down with you and help you see your future. It could be a very bright one indeed. 20 is a tough age. If you are financially dependent on your mother it’s impossible to go no contact. With that being sad, this should be a goal on your life list. By focusing on you and your future possibilities your mother will get smaller and reserve less space in your thoughts. If you accept she is a flawed individual and may have the inability to change it will make your journey easier. If you haven’t read Dr. Karyl McBrides book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” I strongly urge you to grab a copy – it’s in the library. I also might suggest reading the last post I did: http://www.middlesage.com/be-the-author-of-your-life/ You are the author of your life, don’t let your mother do that for you.

  24. Gidget Hrobowski

    31 October

    Thx you, I hope one day to have that same peace, but I pray by the grace of God its not necessarily in her death that I receive that peace, if only for her sake not mine….. But if they peace comes only in d

  25. Gidget Hrobowski

    31 October

    Thx you, I hope one day to have that same peace, but I pray by the grace of God its not necessarily in her death that I receive that peace, if only for her sake not mine….. But if they peace comes only in death, then so be it & thx u Lord Jesus Christ b/c it’s been a long road from hell and back… I can definitely relate!!!! G

  26. Sho Nique

    2 November

    Thank you. I felt like such a BAD Daughter because the only thing I miss about my Mother’s passing is what we never had. I love my Mother dearly but it was bitter sweet, lonely and empty. I always felt that I was the one who did not care enough, failed to love her enough. Did not understand what was wrong with me that we did not bond. Could not figure out why I was terrified of having fun or a good day or something FANTASTIC happening in my life because it meant something really bad was coming. Have always been terrified of success because it would point out (my conditioning from my Mother) that my sibling was not as successful and hurt her self esteem. My sibling is a wonderful person in her own right and successful in ways I have never known. I admire her. I believe she would have been as she is even if I had been successful (now with understanding myself better). Let the healing begin. Thank you.

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  28. lew

    6 November

    Thank you so much. The manipulation kids have to go through because of these type of parents. I’m in my early 20’s and I feel like im drowning, I have a house to my name to help her and my siblings.I have a husband that sees my sorrows and cant help me with my depression because i feel like I’ve pulled him into this situation.

    I cant leave because if i do, who will defend my siblings?, who will make sure that she doesn’t make my siblings all messed up.I stay to give them love and some sort of stability as they see my husband and i love each other and respect each other very much.We are basically their parents and we are always with them, anything they need they are with us 80% of the time.

    My mother and my grandmother are the same, they used to call my grandmother Hitler and my mom and 2nd aunt were passed down my grandmother narcissistic sickness.They tell me stories and Im like hello!! you are doing the same things to us!! but they don’t see it, its incredible to see them and they don’t see what they are doing.My mom threw a huge fit when i told her she was just like her mother.She proceeded to scream at me, cry and tell me horrible stories of her mom who is still alive and have this weird hate love hate take advantage put down each other relationship.Jesus help me !

    my mother has been like that since a little girl, my only sane aunt tells me stories that show my mom was narcissistic since she was a teenager after having 2 more kids and two failed marriages she keeps getting worse and then ok and then worse …you never know her moods…she would whisper to my 4 year old sibling and 12 year old sibling that i their big sister didn’t love them just because i wouldn’t do what she asked me that day or gave her looks AND Im 20+ and married! .

    they are growing and they see that she is sick.I have put myself in this situation to drive all her insecurities ,rage etc. to me and not my siblings.when i got married i left for 6 months, the happiest time of all but i came back because my sister 12 i found when i visited her was completely depressed, sad , emotionally down.

    I couldn’t see her go through what i went through, so i came back ,convinced my husband to come with me due to the situation of my siblings.my mom hates him even though all he’s done is help her(but she talks good about him to other people just because of how prestigious his family is).He stands up for me and he gives me strength to stand up for myself and siblings.I hate for putting him through all this and Ive asked him even to divorce me because i dont want him to see me this way but he chooses to stay and that he will make sure we leave soon and safe.

    Im hoping 1 more year or two max. I’m asking her to buy this house from us and im offering to move walking distance from her, so hopefully she does it and we can leave.I call this prison because she makes me work with her,I cant say no because I know that she will be in a bad mood and start screaming of how horrible her life is and how horrible i am as a daughter.

    So I choose to just get it over with and get the job done. I don’t feel like going to college, cant afford it and I just feel like im sooo outside from everyone… She has come to a place to even copy some of my looks and if i do something positive she wants to take some sort of credit for it.

    It creeps me out when I buy things and she wants to have the exact same things I have and if she cant then she will go on depressed stage.I have figured not to buy anything nice anymore just so she doesn’t buy the same things and spend money when she can put that towards my siblings future or even her own savings.She has a copy of my glasses,phone,some shoes, the way i put my scarf the colors i wear etc. its scary and it freaks me out.There is more but i already feel like im saying enough, im getting a little paranoid lol.

    but I am growing with strength, my husband has seen maybe 20% of how my mom really is and i wont let him see any further because i don’t want him to be depressed if he learns how evil she is. im training myself to be stronger and smart about this whole thing.pray for us, Im trying so hard to keep my siblings from experiencing all the pain that my mom has caused me. I hope she finds peace someday and what makes me happy is that she is not immortal and she will pass away one day…that’s when I’ll be able to breathe I hope …its funny that she is a psychologist and makes her family seems all perfect only if they knew…I trained myself to always keep smiling, fake it until my mother passes away then i will truly smile 🙂 I really hope I didn’t make everyone sad I try to experience love and be somewhat happy but I guess today is one of those days that I just need to let go of my fears and write our little family secret.

  29. lew

    6 November

    your article made me cry sooo much.Thank you for putting your story out there, I really really needed it today 🙂 I’ll be drying off my tears and go to bed 🙂

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