If only it were silly little things like dropping by unannounced. Getting what you want? mmm. We already accept that as a given. God help the branch of the family that doesn’t comply with the plans she’s made for her grown children. The bully-in-law isn’t always so convenient as to simply have an over entitled sense of ownership of her son. The noose in the apron strings can be far nastier. Co-dependency between mommy and mommys boy runs far deeper than favoritism or food.

When MIL is a bully, it’s your POWER she resents, so the attacks are power based. Believe me, I live it. The stronger I am, the nastier she gets. The older she gets and the more she feels she’s not as powerful as she would like to be, the more petty power grabbing happens.

If shows of power or decisiveness on your part require a response on her part…

It’s kind of passive aggressive to plays the “signs” game. Signs you’re being bullied. Really? You know when your personal power is being attacked in an ongoing and deliberate fashion. (That separates out the “annoying” yet mostly ambivalent MIL from the true bully.) Passive aggression is a sign that you are somewhere in the game. Bully or bullied, it needs someone who can’t fight openly and has had to move to a place where deniability allows them to back out of their statements if need be. We could play ball on that field, but I’m guessing most sixty plus year old women have more practice at that game than their daughters’ in law.

Since bullying is about power, then you have to own your own side of the problem. Namely, how are you going to deal with this without allowing it to cause fights in your relationship – and you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t. Not ideally, realistically. You can do a few things. Depends on how “right” you need to feel about any given situation, and how important pride is to you.

You can work to persuade this person that you have no power, or that your power is already their power (works for a time, isn’t graceful or ideal but hey, examine all possibilities.) Model their power positively. People like to look in the mirror and like what they see- tends to backfire when they see differences between you and them though – you will be pressured to become her proxy.

You can use the patterns that the person is already aware of and comfortable with, abuse and co-dependency, even if it is just on an emotional level, also comes with challenges because you have to choose an evil. Games tend to be that way. Unless you’re a career hustler or she’s already ancient, you wont be able to outlast her.

Enablers like people who are very weak, it gives them control and allows them to start the game of emotional debt and regret. You aren’t a desirable enough property to come into the game as the enthroned abuser. You might actually want to examine the ways your significant other may abuse his power with his mother. She didn’t just let herself in. How exactly did mommy hear that you disagree with where he leaves his clothing in your bedroom? If you have a spouse that rewards his mother when there is conflict in your marriage by sharing confidences that foster intimacy with her at the expense of intimacy with you, then it’s not surprising that she’s instigating. A ZERO VENT policy has to be instated, HONESTLY, with no exceptions. Mom has to have her pay out for drama cut off.

If you find her making herself the solution to disagreements in your marriage, it’s your spouse at least in part. Once he closes that door, she isn’t going to play nice though and will WORK to open again through creating conflict in your marriage.

The more appealing idea is that we can be powerful and be respected for that. With a bully, that’s not what’s going to happen. Oh well. I mean you may teach an old dog new tricks on occasion, but only if they want to learn, and chances are, she doesn’t. What she does is working for her. Why should she?

You essentially either have to persuade a bully that you are too much trouble to bother with or aren’t worth noticing. You’re already enough of a bother to bother with, because you had the colossal nerve to be with her son and to know him in ways that she can’t. You and that baseball coach when he was seven that put all that pressure on him and he cried and she couldn’t save him from that either.

Next strategy then. Ways to keep your power or at least your self respect when someone is trying to get you to just hand it to them.

1. Let them. Okay. She wants to make him extra special treats like he’s seven or something? Sure. She can knock herself out. All day long. With a brick. She want’s to take him to doctors appointments? Have fun. Let her. Now if she wants to take him shopping for pants… try not to get too ill at the thought.

Give her the power you can live with her having even if you don’t necessarily like living with it. Be aware she will try to use it. You didn’t give it over thinking she would keep it on the shelf. You gave it over to keep her meddling manicure out of the things that DO matter to you. She isn’t doing things for him to benefit you, she is doing it to assert herself.

Have a sense of humor. I mean this is funny if it were happening to someone else. Calling someone till they answer? You have to have thrown away self respect at this point. Even if you can’t share the joke, it saves your feelings of person hood.

The kitchen is a mess? Agree with her. Yeah it is. Then leave it at that. No pay out. We don’t reward bad manners with good words. Someone somewhere in the world is speechless and you’re just giving your words away? I jest. If I didn’t, I would go stand in front of my mother in laws house right now and start eating her prized roses. With a fork.

Put the family first. breaker braker 19, she’s a big ol’ bee. You’re going to have to deal with her, if you’re lucky, till one of you dies. Lets hope you’re really lucky and she goes first. If the day is about anything besides something directly related to you or your offspring, back burner it. That means holidays belong to the family at large.

Schedule her in. If you don’t want her taking time you haven’t given her, then give her time you are willing to give her.

Above all, try to be gracious. I know it’s a stretch and she’s evil, just pure evil, but just be glad you’re not her husband. Remember, she dreads the idea that she may someday be reliant upon you and she’s not getting any younger, stronger or kinder. If she’s using the same tactics on others that she uses on you, her supporters are a dying breed – literally. If her brand of friendship doesn’t take them out, your alligator will be rendered quite toothless by time