It has been my good fortune to have the universe, a handful of eclectic radio stations, iTunes, my iPod, and now some really great streaming music apps (Songza & Pandora my favorites) to deliver the exact tune at the exact right time to turn my mood around…It doesn’t surprise me anymore, perhaps my surprise has morphed into appreciation. The timing is what makes it so magical. Its is magical when a song comes on randomly and it’s exactly what you needed to hear at that very moment… you may not even know you needed to hear it…until you hear it!
The Edge of Glory 14 The Edge of Glory 1_0
My mother had her struggles, she had narcissistic personality disorder, but this isn’t about her, It’s about me! I struggled for the first 18 years to fit into my mother’s life and after that I struggled to find a way to have her fit into mine. Our relationship was not one of those on again off again types of relationships (which I think would have been harder) I knew very early on, our relationship wasn’t normal when I compared it to friends. She was never going to have anything supportive to say to me and was always going to have something snarky or emotionally defeating to say should I attempt a conversation… so my main goal was to just stay under the radar and survive until I got out. After I escaped, my new method of survival was to just keep the conversation civil and don’t engage in her. I always imagined I’d feel a sense of relief when she finally died, but you know, you never truly know how you’re going to feel until you’re in the moment. For years I had made the joke that I was writing a book called “When the old bat dies” and in it lay out all my issues….all my questions….which could only be answered by the same response “when the old bat dies”.
So the day came…I got the call. She had passed away. I was in Minnesota, she was in Michigan. My older brother was the only one in Michigan and he didn’t want to wait for my other brother to arrive from California or me from Minnesota in order to have her funeral, so he went ahead without us. A blessing. It saved me a 10 hour drive only to be surrounded by people who treated me poorly. I waited to see how I was going to feel….nothing happened. It wasn’t a big sigh of relief like I had imagined…it was a very small release of tension that would formerly sit on my shoulders and never go away, but in the words of Peggy Lee…”Is that all there is?”.
My dog Ed and I take long walks every morning…that’s when I do my best thinking. My iPod was my therapist playing the music I needed to hear to either give me energy or put me in a better mood. On one of our regular 4:00 pm walks (Ed’s very regular, I think he can tell time) I stopped to pick up the mail. There was a card, a sympathy card from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a very long time. She wrote a quick note on the bottom of the card that simply said, “I can’t wait to read “When the old bat dies” when it comes out! I stuck it in my pocket.
I hated living in Minnesota….hated it! There was nothing there for me! My focus was continually, how do we get out of here?! And you know the saying – “That which you focus on gets bigger”….so my thoughts were continually negative and my body felt the symptoms of negative thinking…I was dying to get out of there (I felt almost literally). I did love my walks along the lake with Ed. I pulled that sympathy card stuck out of my pocket, as I walked along the lake…This was the sign I had been waiting for….this was the wave of emotion I was wanting. My iPod agreed. Earbuds in my ear the beginning sounds of Lady GaGa’s “The Edge of Glory”. All of a sudden I felt it. She was gone, I was in a place I hated, but it was THE PERFECT PLACE to write and she was gone…The universe had finally lined everything up and put me in the right place, at the right time and all it took was a sympathy card and Lady Gaga! It was like the stars were aligned and I could do anything…at least now it was my turn to try and there was nobody that was going to tell me I couldn’t do it. What a difference a tune makes!
Sexy Back 02 SexyBack (feat. Timbaland)
The Universe Loves Me! You know that defining moment, that moment when you realize your entire being needs help? I had one just two weeks ago.
The 2 years we spent in Minnesota, before coming here, were spent trying to fill that void created by our own unhappiness with food, so I put on about 40 pounds, and I don’t wear that very well.
Also since coming here to steamy Hotlanta, I thought I had found the magic gel to tame the beast that is my hair, but the humidity was kicking my (hairs) ass.
The chronic pain I managed had become unbearable – I didn’t even realize I was in this much pain until I was standing in the kitchen one night with my husband – turning…or trying to turn to look at him and instead of turning my head my whole body turns…he said, “Are you in that much pain, that you can’t even turn your head to look at me?”….hmm, apparently I am…. We agreed it was time to find a chiropractor here in Atlanta.
In just a couple of days I had found the perfect Chiropractor and was getting ready to go to my first appointment. I backed my car out of the garage and remembered I left my iPhone in the house….I went back in to retrieve the phone and as I walked onto the driveway, I caught sight of my shadow on the driveway….I was hunched over because of the pain, so my shape was more of a rectangle than that of a woman. Thankfully, the shadow becomes elongated, but none the less it was a curved long rectangle. Add to that my completely out of control hair, I looked a little more like a Palm Tree! And here’s my moment….How did I get this bad?!
I got back in my car, another hot and humid day here in Hotlanta, but coming from the frozen tundra the top remains down! I have a PT Cruiser Convertible – I call it my “clown car”! Getting a “palm tree” into a “clown car”…you can imagine it can’t you? This is what my life has come to.
I pushed the garage door close and plugged my iPhone into the radio….Top Down,Radio Up, Pandora delivers the gift of irony…Justin Timberlake’s I’m Bringing Sexy Back…loud and proud! It made me laugh so hard I forgot how miserable I was. What a difference a tune makes!
39 05 ’39
My very first grandson was born terminally brain damaged. It’s not the fact that he’s not going to live long that you can’t come to terms with it’s the coping and learning how to love and care for him in “the living years”. Your emotions are raw! One of the first things I remember contending with is, he had no self soothing capabilities. Which means he could cry for hours on end and there was no soothing him. It was the first time I had him in the car with me alone and he was crying…and crying…and crying. You know you can’t soothe him. I turned the radio up. Queen’s song 39 was on. Alec was a very loud crier…I turned the radio up. The words in that song seemed to haunt me.
Don’t you hear my call
Though you’re many years away
Don’t you hear me calling you
Write your letters in the sand
For the day I’ll take your hand
In the land that our grandchildren knew
The windows were cracked and I knew people could hear the chaos inside my car….I could feel them thinking…”bad grandma”. I knew they didn’t understand the situation and listening to the song on the radio, I felt Alec and I would meet again in the future….We’d be dancing a little disco, just like we used to. What a difference a tune makes!
F**k You 08 F__k You 1_0 (warning: explecit)
If the “F Bomb offends you, it would be better if you just ended here. I inserted the asterisks as a courtesy, but the songs are explicit. There are moments in your life, personal, career, family where only a good solid f**k you will do. If it’s overused it loses it’s punch, but in the right place it’s so cathartic. We’re not always free to say such things in public and it’s sometimes better that we don’t. I even had a friend who got up every morning and sang Lily Allen’s F**k You song to her breast cancer. The thing I like about all four f**k you songs I’ve included for you is, they’re generally happy songs, they’re not angry songs, they’re not riotous songs. Again, if the “f bomb” offends, I’d skip this portion of the post.
I leave you today with three other great F**k You songs…just in case you need to play one today!
F**k You – Cee Lo Cee Lo Green – Fuck You (With Lyrics)
You Don’t Know Me – Ben Folds 01 You Don’t Know Me
You’re Breaking My Heart – Harry Nilsson Harry Nilsson – You’re Breakin’ My Heart