I’m reading “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” by Nathaniel Brandon in February.  I’ve always thought of my own self-esteem as fleeting, something I had to conjure up when needed.  I am surprised when I have it and, after beginning this book, surprised at the things I do, decisions I make when it apparently escapes me.

I’m really interested in your thoughts as I (we) make our way through this book.

I hope you’ll Join the Discussion!

February 3

Question 1:  As Women, we tend to have the notion it is our job to nurture others first, to think of the needs of the tribe before our own.  Are you finding it easier or harder or just flat out impossible to think of and take care of your own needs first?

Self-esteem, fully realized , is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life.  More specifically, self-esteem is:

1.  confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and

2.  confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

From my perspective:  

Self-esteem had to be a learned thing for me…a learned thing when I was an adult….ok, a learned thing when I hit my 50′s.  Speaking only for myself here, In the beginning I was conditioned to ignore the way I felt.  It was imperative I think of my mother’s wishes first or the impending doom she would bring would make me humiliated, degraded or lonely.  Even if I was cold, or hot, or even tired I was told I didn’t know what I was talking about, so I learned to not trust my instincts.  Needless to say my adulthood was filled with a bad decisions.  There wasn’t just low self-esteem, there was no self-esteem.  Then as a mom and wife you’re really trained by society to focus on the needs of the family.  I always felt like I didn’t belong in that family…  Now, I’m learning regarding yourself with care and confidence is a little like putting your own oxygen mask on first.

What’s your perspective?

Question 2:  Are you finding yourself (as you read) reflecting on the interactions you’ve had with the people in your life?   Are you now “diagnosing” these people as either low self-esteem or healthy self-esteem and perhaps changing your mind the way you feel about those people?

Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem.  Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to other; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard.  Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else.

 

From my perspective:

I am most definitely running every relationship I’ve ever had (even the online relationship with readers and critics) through my mind and now reforming my opinion of them.  I just can’t help thinking how much different the relationships could have been had I been that aware of the power of self-esteem.

What’s your perspective?

Question 3:  Have you ever questioned yourself about how you feel?

To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self esteem.

From my perspective:

Oh, my God, Yes!  Lee and I talk about a conversation we had 20 some years ago… Exasperated with a decision she was trying to make she sighed “Maybe I’m happy and I just don’t know it”.  How many times have I felt like that – I couldn’t even count them.  I questioned every feeling I ever had.  We’re both much better at it now!

What’s your perspective?

Tags: Book Club, Nathaniel Branden, self esteem, Six Pillars of Self Esteem