Everybody’s got a Story. Tell us yours!
Question #3: August 7, 2013
Tell us… Was there a time you had to end a relationship? (Spouse, Business, Friend or Family)
Lee’s Story:
When I married the first time, I was 22. WAY too young and very unaware of who I really was as a person. It was during the almost 10 years of this marriage – which felt like 100 – that near the end, I realized I had traded myself for something I didn’t recognize anymore.
I had overlooked my husbands issues before we had married thinking he would change or grow out of them. That’s something we need to teach our kids – that most people really never change and if there are issues going into a marriage, they will only get worse. I recognized that any personal boundaries I had, I had allowed to be pushed, so my line in the sand for acceptable and unacceptable treatment had blurred or disappeared entirely.
After several married years he became a raging alcoholic trying to play keep up with others who were more practiced drinkers. The alcohol did nothing but bring out more of his anger which eventually turned violent. During a therapy session near the end of our marriage he said – and I’ll never forget this – “I never saw it as abuse because I never hit her with a closed fist.” It was time for me to go. Time to tell him to go fuck his angry, violent, alcoholic self. Time to rebuild my shattered self-esteem. Time to shrug off the shame I felt and march valiantly toward peace and happiness.
This was not just an end to a relationship, it was the birth of a take-no-prisoners, my-boundaries-are-here, self-actualized person….a person my current husband has loved dearly for more that 15 years.
What about YOU? Was there a time you had to end a relationship? How did YOU do it and why? Share YOUR story with US!
Barbara’s Story:
No, it’s not the marriages (yes that’s a plural). No, it’s not really about friendships that have come and gone. The hardest relationship I’ve ever “ended” was with my mother.
She was the biggest bully in my life, never anything good to say to me or about me and was great at finding a segway to criticize you from any point in a conversation.
“Hey, that’s a pretty tree…I’ve always liked that tree” My mothers response to that…”Well you would think that’s a pretty tree, it drops crap all over the place – just like you did when you were a teen ager. Honestly!”
When I was a kid, I always said, “once I get old enough to leave this house, I’m not coming back”.
Obligation, however, is something I wasn’t prepared to deal with. I was designed and engineered to do what my mother wanted. Even after growing up and moving out. Breaking that thought process was impossible.
It wasn’t until the last month of her life I finally realized I had to tap out on this relationship. It wasn’t until I knew I had given everything I had and I didn’t have any more to give I could feel empowered to say I quit. She didn’t know who I was anymore – and before she got to that point she made arrangements so I couldn’t get any information on her health. I was no longer on the “relatives that could receive information” list.
As it usually is the case, the daughter is the primary care giver for the aging parents and after an exasperating 55 years, I finally threw up my hands and said, “I’m done with this family”. Yes, that includes my mother and my brothers. I had a family of my own and it was time to turn my attention solely to them and myself.
When my brother called about three weeks later to tell me about her passing, I felt so relieved. I do think having the ability to “quit” her first made all the difference in my well being. I made a choice that should have been made years ago….she didn’t die while I was still trying to please her.
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Tags: ending a relationship, everybody's got a story, middlesage, tell us
To make a long story short, yes. For years, I accepted more manipulation and pushing of boundaries than I should have, but when my kid was hurt and rejected, I was done. I don’t care that she gave birth to me or had been a grandmother to my children. Nobody messes with my babies, even the grown up ones. It was not until after I’d broken off contact (not that she respects that – manipulative communiques continue) that I fully realized how burdensome and unhealthy it had been. Like Barbara, I had a misguided sense of obligation, a desire to compensate for things that were in no way my responsibility.
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I want to clarify that I am not talking about my mom, whom I sometimes mention on my blog. She’s weird in her own way, but she would never reject her grandchildren, who are all perfect in her eyes.
Ginger Kay recently posted…Weight Loss and Body Image
Another mama bear! I Love it! kids give us superpowers sometimes….like the power to draw our boundaries for our own good! Great Story!
It amazes me how many women have a similar story to Barbs. It seems we’re almost hardwired to think if we just try hard enough we can fix issues, relationships, etc., when in truth sometimes we just need to walk away. thank you for sharing your story.
Unfortunately, I had to end my second marriage. I was initially attracted to him because he was so laid back. We dated for 4 years and then got married. During the marriage his laid back persona morphed into what I interpreted as complete lack of concern. He refused to take responsibility for anything and made no effort to build a marital relationship. We started to go our separate ways. I began law school and he developed relationships outside of the marriage. After 8 years of marriage, the only thing we shared was, occasionally, a bed. Following a rare intimate encounter, we happily discovered we had conceived. In many instances, a child can cement a relationship. In my case, I realized that I was now a single parent despite being married. I moved out and filed for divorce. I have raised a lovely, well-adjusted child who I am very proud of. I think I made the right decision in letting go.
As a fellow single parent who had to have the courage to walk away….I applaud your strength! You made the right decision alright….for you and the child you are raising! Strong Work!
Brenda – that’s a heart wrenching yet very triumphant story that illustrates the strength of a woman’s drive and focus. I had no idea you’d been through that, but celebrate your choice to successfully move on. You ROCK!